At least I’ll have one hell of a story.
Reframing the potential failure of a blind date as having the potential for a good story, even if the date turned out badly, gave me courage to meet a stranger for coffee. Instead of feeling self-consciousness and fearful about the date, I came ready to be fully present. This is my story, my life.
You can fight me if you want to and you will probably win, but I promise you that I am going to enjoy this and even if you win, you are going to have pain and broken bones. The men trying to pick a fight with my husband backed down.
Tension. The conflict of interests.
It’s everywhere and most evident in our friendships and family. Unique humans with unique motivations, passions and needs thrown together in relationships. Like unstable atoms trying to convert their neutrons and protons to create balance, we have conversations and shift our behavior to maximize connection.
I hate tension and the conflict of interests.
I feel okay with mild disagreements and disturbances, but when tension runs deep, my default is flight. It takes substantial energy and courage for me to take only a small step back to collect my thoughts and emotions to re-engage in the conversation.
Winning and fixing are fake resolutions and while we may feel better having ‘won’ or ‘helped fix,’ we have missed the greatest gift: connection & understanding.
Tension in my life = opportunity & possibilities.
Tension is being given a damp clump of clay to work with. I can smash it, throw it away or start to firmly and patiently mold it into something more. Powerful stories have tension and the characters we love the most are those who are vulnerable and real as they navigate the tensions and challenges brought their way.
At the marriage retreat Jon and I went to a few weeks ago, one of the conference sessions was all about this: embracing the tension to create meaningful connections.
To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.
Timothy Keller
When Jon and I disagree, I try to keep in mind that our disagreement means:
* We care about each other. If we didn’t, we would be apathetic and distant.
* We have voices and our voices, or opinions, will not always line up.
* We are alive and present in the moment which sometimes means stirred up emotions.
As we accept tension as a part of our story, we can begin the journey of understanding. Are we misunderstanding each other or the other person’s intentions (lies and past baggage can do this)? How are we communicating with one another?
Often, even in the midst of an argument, one of us will reiterate, “I am on your side” or “I care about you and want to figure this out.” It helps us see past the immediate issue to the goal we both have of building a flourishing relationship.
This doesn’t mean that our arguments work out smoothly each time or that we don’t have some scars from past interactions. What it means is that we are learning to see tension as an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection. We don’t stop talking and we forgive.
In my art and life, tension and longing propels me forward and fuels my growth; tension keeps me from complacency. Can I embrace it as opportunity while admitting my discomfort?
If I were to map out my life, the seasons filled with the tension of waiting, or the seasons of being stretched and feeling out of my league are the seasons where I grew the most.
Tensions are like the wind battering young trees: it sometimes seems that the wind will knock the small trees over, but the wind is pushing the tree’s roots to grow deeper and grasp tightly to the earth. Strong winds can help create tall trees
This brings me hope.
I’m still feeling the tension of working from home (love the extra time with Eli) and missing the office life.
Every season brings its own unique tension.
Lately God’s been whispering to my soul,
Bring me the tension and challenges. Rest. I will bring you through this season and although you feel passive and helpless at times, know that I am doing a deep work in you. I will redeem even these tensions and pain points. Give me your to do list and complaints. I hear and understand your longings, losses and dreams.
Your primary task is to invite me into these tensions and to release them to me.
I’ve got this.
I’ve got you: your dreams, your loved ones, your finances, your debt, your writing, your work, everything…YOU and those who love.
It comforts me knowing God is with me.
Thank you for journeying with me. I always love hearing from you.
How about you? What helps you embrace and view the tension in your life as an opportunity?
Deanne